act nine: "nelson dies" or "cheese: the official byproduct of texas"
by mono
still at the megazeux rules offices:
myth, waka, mono and inmate are seated in directors chairs, waiting for the first applicant for the part of barney's replacement. inmate is puffing on a huge cigar.
<myth> (to inmate) is that cuban?
<inmate> no, it's cuban.
<myth> oh . . . .
<inmate> i like my cigars big. . . like my women.
*everyone lookes at inmate.
<inmate> . . . . . what?
*emwarepro, the megazeux rules cast secretary walks in.
<emwarepro> excuse me, the first applicant is here.
<waka> send him in! go man, go!
*emwarepro walks away, mumbling something about how he voted for waka.
*famous scott walks in.
<mono> wow! it's famous scott!
<inmate> (to scott) can i have your autograph?
<famous scott> no.
<inmate> you bunkus.
<famous scott> aw, blow me.
<mono> scott, are you here to try-out?
<famous scott> actually, i just want the free doughnuts.
*famous scott reaches for a doughnut, but waka snatches it away.
<waka> no doughnuts for non-appliers, you non-applier.
<myth> a plier? b'eh.
<mono> it's "b'eh"
<myth> thats what i said!
<mono> . . . oh.
<famous scott> fine, i'll try out.
<everyone except famous scott> woohoo!
<famous scott> what do i have to do?
<everyone> . . .
<famous scott> geez. you guys need to get more organiz-
*waka interupts scott.
<waka> i know! just recite a line from you favorite movie!
<famous scott> thats it?
<waka> uh. . . . yeah?
<famous scott> (sigh) okay. 'now go away, or i shall taunt you a second time.'
*the group discusses scott's performance.
<mono> thank you, famous scott. we'll call you.
<famous scott> wait a minute! you're brushing me off? if it wasn't for me, megazeux rules wouldn't even exist!!!
<mono> oh well, thats the way the cookiegrl crumbles.
*famous scott grabs a doughnut and angrily storms out of the building. Nelson enters.
<inmate> (to nelson) state your name.
<inmate> no, "state your name," not "name your state."
<nelson> oh. nelson.
<waka> ha-ha.
<myth> ok nelson, just recite a line from your favorite movie.
<nelson> (thinks for a while, clears throat.) "now go aw-" (clears throat again.) "now go away, or i shall taunt you a second time."
*as nelson is trying out, an earthquake violently shakes the room. mono catches on fire. hong kong evaporates. the russian space station mir drifts into the sun. tseng crashes through the roof and lands on nobody, killing them both. the milwaukee brewers spontaneously combust. it rains frogs. autumn dreams merges with software visions and helios, creating helium visions. the earth floods. scott actually writes another saga episode. cheese is declared as "the official byproduct of texas."
*nelson finishes.
<myth> thank you, nelson. we'll call you.
<nelson> i didn't get it? man. megazeux rules is even more boring than the saga!
*nelson dies.
<waka> ha-ha.
*soulbain and guyer walk in.
<inmate> name your state.
<soulbain and guyver> soulbain and guyver.
<inmate> no, "name your sta--". . . . . nevermind.
<waka> okay, just recite a line from your favorite blah bl ah b l a h.
<soulbain> blah blah blah? b'eh!
<guyver> any movie we choose?
<waka> any movie.
<guyver> ok!
<soulbain and guyver> (in unison) *ahem* "now go away, or i shall taunt you a second time"
<mono> geez. is everybody's favorite movie monty python's holy grail?
<inmate> (to soulbain and guyver) thank you. we'll call you.
<soulbain> promise?
<inmate> no.
<soulbain> g'ah.
<guyver> it's "gwah."
*they leave.
*aerisu prances in.
<aerisu> my name is aerisu, and i'm an alcoholic.
<myth> so?
<aerisu> so give me the part.
<mono> no.
<aerisu> please?
<mono> okay.
<aerisu> really?
<mono> no.
<aerisu> dang.
<waka> all you have to do is recite a line from your favorite movie while dancing to "barbie girl" by aqua.
<aerisu> ooh. sound erotic.
*everybody kicks aerisu.
<aerisu> thanks. that was nice.
<waka> just recite the line.
<aerisu> ok. . . . "are you sure i HAVE to be the fireman? i hate pulling on the hose!"
<everyone> . . . .
<myth> y'know, i think i've seen that one.
<mono> thank you, don't expect a call.
<aerisu> i never do.
*he leaves.
*nobody comes in.
<waka> i thought nobody died.
<editor> no, tseng died.
<waka> yes, but it said "tseng crashes through the roof and lands on nobody, killing them both.
<editor> exactly.
<waka> huh?
<editor> nevermind.
<waka> g'ah.
<editor> it's "gwah."
<waka> shut your mouth.
<editor> fine. where was i? oh yes.
*nobody comes in.
<mono> thats it?
<myth> sure looks like it.
*at that moment, the soundstage door opens. a shadowy figure stands in the doorway.
<waka> wait a minute. it cant be.
<mono and myth> what?
*inmate twitches.
<waka> it's bob dole!
<bob dole> i like to make my man s-m-i-l-e.
<everybody> . . . .
<waka> it's bob dole!
<bob dole> what do i have to do to apply?
<waka> nothing! you got the part!
*and so, the group recieves a new fifth member, bob dole. how will this affect the future of megazeux rules? find out next time! and come naked! yeah!
***end***
<editor> ok. i hope everyone who was bugging me for lines are happy now.
<majiCk> i'm not.
<teevee20> i'm not.
<multi> i'm not.
<chronos30> i'm not.
<hiroth> i'm not.
<bmwzpc> i'm not.
<toucan> i'm not.
<emzee> i'm not.
<booth> i'm not.
<parasite> i'm not.
<bongo79> i'm not.
<_mzx_> i'm not.
<kairu> i'm not.
<darkmage> i'm not.
<com> i'm not.
<kmspill> i'm not.
<asterick> i'm not.
<legendd> i'm not.
<spider124> i'm not.
<_mzx_> yes i am.
<_mzx_> there are forces at war within me.
<typoink> i'm not.
<frag> i'm not.
<crus> i'm not.
<capnkev> i'm not.
<monthigos> i'm not.
<editor> . . . . g'ah.
<everyone> IT'S "GWAH!!!"
*editor hides.
***reallytheend***
<inmate> i like my cigars big. . . like my women.