act four: "prisoners named 'butch, maddog, and princess'" parts 1-4 by mono, part 5 by waka
part one: myth
myth is the first to depart from the group. a rather fat prison guard leads him down a dark hallway, where he can hear shouts of pain eminating from a nearby room.
<myth> (to prison guard) what's that noise?
<guard> eh? oh, that's coming from our "discipline" room.
<myth> is that guy gonna stop screaming?
<guard> sure, when they turn off the blenders.
<myth> ::shudder::
*they abruptly stop outside an empty cell.
<guard> here are your quarters.
*myth thoroughly inspects the cell.
<myth> what is this? no mint under my pillow?
<guard> bwah. lemme call the maid.
<mono> (yelling from a distant part of the prison) it's "G'AH!"
*the guard leaves.
<myth> . . .
*myth sits on his bed.
*the bed breaks.
*myth sits on the floor.
*the floor breaks.
*myth falls through the floor, and into the lap of an overweight prisoner.
<overweight prisoner> hi. i wear the cookwear in this house.
<myth> what?
<overweight prisoner> you're pretty.
*myth starts to run. since the cell is so small, he ends up running in circles. nevertheless, he continues running.
part two: waka
waka is led away as well, but instead of being put in a cell, he is assigned "latrine duty."
<guard> now, i when i get back, i want these toilets to shine like...something very shiney.
<waka> bite me, pig-of-a-guard.
<guard> WHAT?!
<waka> i said "it's too big and hard."
<guard> ew.
<waka> (nmiaow)
<guard> good. get them clean.
*the guard leaves.
*waka starts cleaning the urinals. he hears a high-pitched drone coming from inside the toilet.
<waka> oh no.
<toilet> waaaaaaaaaaakaaaaaaaaaa.
*waka backs up and covers his head.
<toilet> waaaaaaaaaaaaakaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
*the toilet begins to shoot water everywhere. suddenly, a dark creature flys out.
<waka> ack!
<creature> what?
<waka> don't visit me here!
<creature> why? i'm gamefan, everybody's favorite newbie! wanna play my game? it's not very good because i made it when i was nine but i'm ten now and a lot better, and my company is better than your company and i hate you because i'm better than you and i'm gonna be---.
*waka kills gamefan. the guard runs to the restrooms, only to find gamefan's dead body and waka holding a plunger over his head.
<guard> (evily grins) i'm gonna get a raise for this.
part three: mono
just after myth and waka are taken away, the guard grabs mono by the ear
and starts walking down a long hallway.
<mono> wait! where are we going?
<guard> i've got a SPECIAL place for you.
<mono> oh good.
*the guard grins. they continue walking. after what seems like forever, they finally stop at a door with a rather large bolt.
*the guard opens the door. inside, to mono's horror, is a man. seated at a desk. smoking. a cigar. while lightly. tapping. his. foot. against. the. f.l.o.o.r.. on his desk is a nameplate, which says "moniter, obedience instructor."
<moniter> take a seat.
*mono picks up the seat.
<moniter> gwah. i hate it when they do that.
<mono> it's "g'ah."
<moniter> did you just talk back to me?
<mono> what, you didn't hear me?
<moniter> this is an outrage!
<mono> you're telling me.
<moniter> yes i am.
<mono> you is?
<moniter> i is....d'oh!
<mono> did you have a point?
<moniter> no.
<mono> ok, bye. by the way, the guard who brought me here is really a prisoner who is trying to escape by pretending to be a guard. yeah.
<moniter> i'll take care of it.
<mono> ok, bye.
<moniter> (waves)
*mono leaves.
*moniter picks up his private phone.
<moniter> Irene, send some guards to my office. i just found out officer williams is really a prisoner!
<irene> okeleydokeley.
*several minutes pass. the spice girls release a new song. canada sinks into the ocean. microsoft collapses. finally, footsteps can be heard coming to moniter's office. two prison guards open the door. both try to enter the office at the same time. after much debate and a few death threats they figure out that its better to walk in *seperately*. they walk in.
<guards> you wants to sees us boss?
<moniter> yes. arrest this man. (points to officer williams, who is standing silent at the door.)
*the guards grab williams and lock him up in a cell with the most feared inmate of all, known only as zed. as they turn the key, mono can be seen walking aimlessly down the prison hallways.
part four: barney
when the guards took myth, waka and mono away, they forgot about barney and left her by herself. not one to be bored, she quickly took to exploring the prison. she looks in a cell. inside, there is a large group of illegal irish immigrants.
<barney> haha.
*the large group of illegal irish immigrants start throwing potatos at barney. she laughs and start throwing them back. the people in the next cell start to throw potatos as well. soon, the whole prison is engaged in an all-out potato war. when it dies out, all the illegal irish immigrants start to do "victory jigs."
*barney leaves. as she continues walking, she notices a door marked "rubber room 2993." intrigued, she peers in the abnormally small window. the room is padded and only contains bean bag chairs and jello. on one of the bean bag chairs sits a rather deranged looking prisoner.
<barney> psst. hey. you. (she motions for the prisoner to come to the window)
*the prisoner gets up, yelps several times, and slowly wanders toward the window.
<prisoner> ......yes?
<barney> hey. the man with the plan is now shelless.
<prisoner> ......what?
<barney> nevermind. who are you?
<prisoner> they call me ..........inmate.
*the prisoner's head begins to twitch. it stops.
<barney> inmate? that's a g-word. are you a -g-?
<inmate> it aint a g-word, hawg.
<barney> so....
<inmate> so....
*mono walks by.
<barney> hey mono! lets get out of here!
<mono> out of where?
<barney> nevermind. just follow me.
*she begins walking as fast as she can down the hallway.
*mono also starts walking fast.
<inmate> wait! I want out too!
*inmate opens the jail cell door and starts walking with barney and mono.
<barney> welcome to the sleazebag.
<mono> welcome to the sleazebag.
<inmate> well, some tooth please, hag.
*barney and mono look at inmate.
*inmate twitches.
*the famous scott appears.
<famous scott> i feel violated.
<barney> (nmiaow)
*the famous scott explodes.
part 5: shawshank.
meanwhile, myth has been running in circles for the last ten minutes from the overweight prisoner, who is conveniently named 'overweight prisoner', when suddenly an explosion breaks the cell wall.
<myth> what was that?
<famous scott> me. I exploded.
<myth> oh, no wonder.
<mono> anyhow, let's get out of here.
<myth> wait! where's waka? i'm not leaving until we find him!
<overweight prisoner> oh cutie-pies! come back and play!
<myth> err... nevermind, let's leave.
meanwhile, in the prison bathroom...
<gaurd> okay, buddy, you're coming with me.
<waka> gaurd? 'gaurd' sounds like a rather greg janson-like misspelling.
<gaurd> how can you see how my name is spelled?
<waka> i just can, okay?
<gaurd> oh. works for me.
*Tseng walks in. No, not the Tseng from FF7, the Tseng from #megazeux.
<Tseng> hi.
<waka> okay, you got your cameo. now go away.
<Tseng> okay.
*Tseng leaves.
<gaurd> what was that all about?
<waka> nothing.
<gaurd> oh. well, anyway, you've got an appointment with moniter.
<waka> sounds like fun.
<gaurd> fun? fun?! moniter will tear you to pieces! he'll rip your head off and shove
it on a spike for all to see!
<waka> okay.
<gaurd> ...
<waka> ....
<gaurd> alright, enough of this, let's get going.
the gaurd escorts waka to moniter's office. where he's still smoking a cigar. at his desk. while. tapping. his. foot. against. the. f.l.o.o.r.
<moniter> those extra periods are highly annoying.
<gaurd> sir, this prisoner has killed someone while cleaning the bathroom stalls!
<waka> he deserved it.
<moniter> did you just talk back to me?
<waka> no. but he still deserved it.
<moniter> okay. well, who did you kill?
<waka> gamefan.
<moniter> did you just talk back to me?
<waka> didn't we just go through this?
<moniter> yeah, I suppose. but are you?
<waka> gwah, this is going nowhere.
<mono> (from an even more distant part of the prison) IT'S "G'AH!"
<moniter> anyway, since it was only gamefan, i'm gonna go easy on you. ten years
of solitary confinement!
<waka> this sucks.
<moniter> did you just talk back to me?
<waka> ...
<gaurd> i can't let you do that, moniter.
<moniter> did you just talk back to me?
<gaurd> no.
<moniter> oh. well, i'm still sending him to ten years of solitary confinement, so that's that.
<gaurd> the hell you are.
*the gaurd pulls off a mask to reveal... greg janson!
<waka> oh, is if *this* wasn't obvious.
<greg janson> anyhow, I'm here to rescue you, and stuff.
<waka> but... aren't you supposed to be in la crescenta?
<greg janson> technicalities, technicalities. that's not important. now let's go.
<moniter> wait! he's staying here, and so are you!
*greg janson pulls out a dagger from his coat, throws it at moniter, and hits him
straight in the heart. moniter slumps over his desk, and with his dying breath,
utters, "did you just talk back to me?".
<greg janson> anyhow, let's find your friends and leave.
meanwhile, in the parking lot...
<mono> i think the writer uses the word 'meanwhile' too much.
<barney> bwah.
<mono> it's "g'ah"!
<myth> uhh... i hate to ruin the party, but the winnebagel is missing. and so is inmate.
<mono> really? i wonder where they could have went?
suddenly, the winnebagel comes racing down the parking lot on fire, with inmate behind the wheel. inmate jumps out of the winnebagel right before it hits the prison wall and explodes.
<mono> inmate, what the hell did you do to the winnebagel?
<inmate> eh, I just got bored.
<barney> yeah, hoser, eh.
<myth> well, now it looks like we'll have to find waka.
<barney> why do you say that?
<myth> well, do you have anything better to do?
<barney> not really.
<myth> alright, then.
the four walk back in to the prison in search of their lost companion, when they walk by officer williams's sell.
<officer williams> help!
<mono> hey, are you related to matt williams?
<officer williams> yes. in fact, i am matt williams.
<mono> well, what the hell are you doing working here? i thought you had a job working on
baseball fields?
<matt> hey, i needed some money, okay? anyhow, i can help you find waka if you just let
me out of here!
<myth> hey, how did you know we were looking for waka?
<matt> the writer couldn't think of any other way for the plot to develop.
<myth> oh. well, okay, you got a deal.
*myth lets matt out of his cell.
<matt> okay. well, the last i heard, waka was being carried away to moniter's office.
<inmate> how the hell could you have known that when you've been in a cell all this time?
<matt> the writer isn't very good, okay?
<inmate> whatever.
*the five make their way to moniter's office.
<waka> guys! where were you?
<barney> i'm not a guy.
<myth> we were... uhh... looking for you the whole time! yeah!
<waka> oh. well, anyway, i've found greg janson!
*waka points in greg janson's general direction.
<mono> really? so i guess this means our holy quest is over, i suppose.
<greg janson> you think you're gonna get off that easy? HAH!
*greg janson laughs maniacally, and pulls a smoke bomb out from his coat and disappears.
<waka> jeez, how many things does he have in that coat?
<myth> well waka, we've got bad news. the winnebagel is destroyed, thanks to inmate.
*everyone glares at inmate
<inmate> hey! i get bored easy!
<waka> well now, how the hell are we gonna get out of this hole?
<mono> huhuh, he said 'hole'.
<matt> you guys can use the spare winnebagel we keep in the basement of the prison! we have no
use for it here.
<waka> another convenient plothole...
<matt> hey, do you want to use it or not?
<waka> well, if the writer wasn't such a ba..
*myth covers waka's mouth.
<myth> we'll take it!
<inmate> can i come along too? please?
<barney> why should we take you? last time you went with us you destroyed the winnebagel!
<inmate> so?
<barney> ...well, okay.
and so, our heroes escape the jail with a new winnebagel, and a new hope. stay tuned for the next act of megazeux rules! same bat-time, same bat-channel! gwah.
***end***
<mono> it's "G'AH!"