I blaze through past Azure Agony in Quake playing on Nightmare skill...
I can't understand why others can't understand the importance of not confusing Cyan with being merely another shade of Blue.
I find Cyan-Green to be a far more appealing shade than the Teal of poisontipped arrows...
I feel green with envy about those who already have worked out better circumstances for themself.
I find Green is Evil to be incredibly Old Jokes.
You piss on me for not hiding being pissed off as others would themselves.
I refine Gold Paint by isolating others' ways of hating on me in its purest form.
You put me up as being Clinically Insane for insisting that others are not right in insisting on their own help shoved on me.
I overcome my own Night Terrors about the Sucking Throat from Steven Speilberg's Poltergeist...
writing out about my own Anxieties...
going over with the specific one that caused this specific one of my own Night Terrors...
saving myself from falling into Schizophrenia's warm embrace as substitute for real conversation...
and working by the light of electic candles...
I'm now at Red.
My heart's power has been imprisoned by my mind's powers...
because my heart so loved my mind's ability to understand others deeply without needing a heart that it willingly let my mind imprison it...
in favor of a trade-off between emotional intelligence of my mental understanding...
and greater love in ways of understanding that even one's mind cannot understand on its own...
and I allowed this to go on long enough to get stuck roleplaying as... some Fursona...
I had relied on from having been burned off by others' involvement shoved againt seperation of
Offline and Online self.
You want to continue hating on me here?
I'm going to make you so full of Hating on H1 that you won't ever like hating on someone again!
You all claim that you do it solely from exploiting me,
that it's only because I make it so easy for others to hate on me here,
going on to say that it justifies the allowing of it to go on...
You would take that from me too here... as you would anywhere... and no less here...
It was bad enough to have others bandwagoning hating on me all across Jedi Outcast and Jedi Academy...
Though then they just had to go and justify it...
DarkSoul says that it's because Life hit me hard.
Her stance is that I'm only like this because I haven't really grown up.
Shinja says it's 'hardening'.
His stance is that it's a necessary evil that justifies the hating on me here.
Paragon says it's a 'misery loves company' thing.
Her stance is that I only do things how I do things because I can't find my own ways to be fulfillfed without resorting to having others suffer for the same reasons that I do...
BakedNinja says that anyone would do the same wrongs to me if they were as blunt as he was...
His stance is that he's merely less unwilling to say the same things anyone would say that is why he's so particularly abusive to me.
Gringo takes time out of his day working out how to do a better job of pretending like he isn't taking full advantage of others hating on me to get do so himself...
and then use his Administrative Power...
to take it further...
making for far more severe consequnces of others hating on me including himself ...
and then 'play dumb' that he doesn't totally know what he is doing by using others' less good understanding of the issues themselves against anyone being able to call him out for doing this.
His stance is that I'm only allowed to still be here for others to enjoy exploitative control of me here.
His is total invalidation of why I'm even still able to continue.
Even his stance is not the worst invalidation I have had here.
There is one other who has done worse to me about this...
He was away from these forums for far too long...
He defended me as much as he could...
He took from me being the one who defends myself...
He insists that will my Life be harder for me to intentionally not yield myself to Society...
but then takes it far further...
insisting that because that's how it works that I actually should be someone who isn't unwilling to yield myself to Society.
His stance is that he's being an enabler by keeping things from not being harder for me not bending myself to Society...
Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong!
You expressed concerns after my 'Going away post' leaving off for the Holidays from spending too
much time on the forums here about me clearly being at good odds of committing Suicide.
You took your defense of me on to Jedi Academy not long after my full community
boot-out after extended time with The Exiled Knights...
I have had individuals that have gotten me to change myself and they aren't like you!
You are still the only one who ever got me to falter on not compromising myself!
I already had close personal friends Online that saved me from finally compromisng myself for Society...
They could not save me from attempting to take my own life on the Mayan Doomsday...
You would do everything to take from me that I'm freely myself in the name of helping me avoid suffering...
You only take from me my whole reason for continuing to live not being someone else even though it's hard...
I was Medically Dead for about 5 to 6 minutes...
You, essenCe, are what drove me to my bout with Attempted Suicide!
My closest personal friend over the Internet dressed their name ingame in Black for me!
He was about to Kamikaze The Exiled Knights and only his sister could cool him off
long enough for my eventual return days later in stable condition despite not yet being past
mere impermanent muscle weakness!
You told me that I have no right to complain about others berating my way of talking when I won't make efforts for them.
You who won't willingly share in others' suffering have no right to complain when they don't ask for your help!
I was not wrong to not rely on 'just ignore others' as a method of dealing with hecklers.
I was not going to sell out my stance on never ignoring anyone just because it's suddenly not so Damn easy to hear everyone's side fairly.
I was not wrong to not not argue back despite that that only makes it worse from an effectiveness standpoint.
I was not going to sell out arguing outright just to avoiid suffering consequences even in it backfiring.
I was not wrong in calling out the self-justificative nature of Society itself.
I was not going to abide quietly just because it's easier to not stick one's neck out against Societal Ills.
I was not wrong to be having this far closer to full Anonymity than others have Online.
I was not going to be hiding behind Internet Anonymity just because I got stuck in a rut.
I was not wrong in not stopping talking about things just because others suddenly have trouble understanding what I'm saying when it's less nice to hear being said than otherwise.
I won't forego resolving conflict in ways that are less immediately rewarding in the short term...
I was still wrong.
I had grown reliant upon calling out others being wrong to cover for myself not being wrong...
You can point out all you want that the problems are with differences between you and others... when you are different... and can't work them out.
They are very real problems with the system itself allowing the problems to go on...
Anyone who suggests solutions gets shunned out for 'starting Drama' merely for openly disagreeing, not hiding being different, and not masking themself as their opposite to get by in Society.
Though then what happens when you grow reliant upon understanding better the reasons why the systems are wrong is that you lose focus on you being better yourself...
I will not resort to masking myself as my exact opposite to get by in Society.
However, now, I had been masking myself as my exact opposite for other reasons.
I am a college-age White Guy stuck in a rut before College spending hours a day at their desktop PC.
I've been Fursona roleplaying everyone this whole time.
You will take this from me here too...
I can hear your cries now...
DarkSoul wrote:I knew something about you didn't add up but you couldn't show it because of something weird still going on!
I told you you'd make a great politician but maybe you'd make a great lawyer!
Shinja wrote:See, H1, you need this 'hating on you' to help you realize that you make your own problems.
I know it's painful but if we don't feel pain then we can't identify problems and that leads to false immunity...
Paragon wrote:Yaaaaa, H1, you only see this as some 'big thing' because it's such a problem for you yourself.
If you weren't such a Drama Queen your Life wouldn't be so hard... making you do this stupid stuff... letting others keep hating on you...
BakedNinja wrote:I take back everything I said about how much your Life must be harder knowing you're a female with the same problems as opposed to a guy with the same problems...
You really are hiding behind Anonymity and even I feel dumb for not calling you on that for more than just arguing... oh wait... I did call you on that for more than just arguing!
Gringo wrote:Trollofl, H1, you aren't 'invalidated' by me 'controlling' your 'reasons for still even being able be here'.
Plenty of guys are coming out of the closet for being a guy pretending to be a girl on the Internet every day and you want to treat this like it's some big change for you?
Go put your whole Confesssion for Drama Queen tendencies on somebody else's forums because I don't actually keep you here to get to toy with you for longer...
You do that to yourself when you don't stop yourself from being this bawling emotional lunatic.
If I want to ban you I can do so at any time and you are worried about being 'controlled' for 'exploitation' for 'enjoyment'?
Grab some boxers and man up.
There's this wonderful thing called Omegle.
You should look it up sometime.
essenCe wrote:You never told me that you actually were acting as having a different Life...
I had gone over this with you about Vanity from... what I had seen... but this is much worse than even I could tell.
No wonder you tried to kill yourself there.
You are using this 'coming out' to compensate for actually facing up to your own problems yourself by making it about others' wrongs.
You might see this as saying that you're finally coming to terms with having been wrong...
This is clearly just another way of rationalizing to yourself that you aren't wrong.
You can bitch all you want at me about me putting words in your mouth to others here... but then... you know that this isn't far from what those specific others would say themself.
I understand others' misundertandings.
It's like a cursed sixth sense for me.
I know exactly how others are going to misunderstand me... right before it happens... and then they do... and then it hurts... and I'm powerless to stop it...
I myself am not someone who is unwilling to admit to their own faults.
Yet then others would take from me that my own coming to terms with having been wrong the whole time is really my own.
Well now it is your turn.
What will you try to take from me about it being me that resolves my problems?
My own schools take from me learning my own way... holding me back Academically to catch up on homework even despite that I don't need homework to reinforce my understanding of the material taught in class!
They blame me being unwilling to work hard for grades to justify mandatory additions to my Academic studies!
My own parents take from me that me getting out of this rut in my Life is really my own.
They blame me being afraid of being independent to justify not letting me be independent in getting out!
My own General Practicioner?
You can't 'get healthy' without seeing a doctor on a regular basis, he says, where you're clearly not taking good care of your health without help after I remind him about covering sneezes wrong.
My own Clinical Psychotherapist?
I think you are afraid to take others' help to move on, he says, as he wonders why I stop taking meds he himself prescribes me despite still seeing him...
You blame everything on me not seeking help...
You know what, now, you guys?
I do need help.
It just isn't your help that I need!
If you are going to do things against my stance in the name of 'helping' me then you will only wind up hurting me.
Your help is not helping me!
You want to help me out?
Lay off your help so eventually I'm not burned off being helped too much to seek better help for me of my own accord!
I needed help that you could not provide...
which when you could not provide it then I already understood why it was not right...
and for being so 'defensive' about being helped your justify your forcing of it on me...
pulling out all the stops about me so clearly being unable to do things without help...
only blocking me off from finding help that actually does help me...
and they don't rely on forcing one's help on another...
proving me right about my stance that it will never help someone to force your help on them...
leading me right back into more reason than ever to feel so vindicated about neither being unwilling to admit faults...
nor being actually wrong about the things others said I was wrong about before ...
and now...
here now that I'm finally starting to get out of this rut...
here now that I'm not only finally able to work past the 'controlling effects' of others forcing things on me but also actually doing particularly well at being less adversely affected by 'controlling effects' of things...
here now that I'm working my way out of being reliant upon continuing this 'Fursona roleplay' that I've become stuck not breaking character with...
and now that I'm finally coming this far...
it will be you who has to suffer having been wrong the whole time.
If you're so much better than me then why can't you handle having been wrong the whole time better than I do?
You might claim that I am clearly not actually handling it well, in making your counterpoint, in asking how I can even make that point here...
Need I remind you about my 'sixth sense' thing I already explained only six paragraphs up.
I am banking the 'Hating on H1' accumulated.
It won't be long before your hating on me really is from actual burning hatred working behind the hating on.
I want your continuing hate on me here... now more than ever... to practice on getting past its 'controlling effects'.
Those who did the most of justifying the hating on me are those who are the most screwed over here.
Did you really think I am worried about others' misunderstandings that I'm doing this for attention?
I don't do what I do for attention.
Do you really think that my claims of Vindication are 'being defensive' that it's for attention?
You have got to be fucking kidding me.
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Vindication for Roleplaying Substitution
2013, Fri. Jun. 07, 7:40 P.M.