NOTE: Another steal of a deal. Courtesy of the WAYBACKMACHINE THE SAGA REBORNE CHRISTMAS SPECTACULAR! - by bongo (Scene: #darkdigital. The ZZT/MZXers are hanging around there while the 28th story is closed for fumigation. A scraggly tree sits in the corner. Apparently, some sort of Christmas party is going on.) Gameboy: Well, Merry Christmas to all. Or something. Darkmage: Hey, Wasson! Why don't you get some alcohol in this punch! Mwasson: That has alcohol. It has all the alcohol from Baram's stash. BaramArrowen: I don't have a stash of alcohol! Mwasson: Well, you certainly don't now, at any rate. Darkmage: Hm. You know, now that you mention it, it does seem to be impairing my judgement just a smidgen. (he finishes the glass.) Pour me another, and then we'll go play chicken in the HOV lane. (Suddenly, a loud banging comes from the door.) THMILES: Hello? Let me in! My key doesn't work. It never works! And it's below 32 Kelvin out here.... Dustmite (at piano): Just keep banging! It adds some nice percussion! Chronos: Quiet! I have to finish Chrono Wars 10 or butz'll have my legs broke. (The merry part sounds keep playing all into the night. Chronos finally snaps, and takes his laptop outside into the freezing snow. As he leaves, he slams the door quickly on THMILES's hands. THMILES: Owwwww! Chronos: Oh, you deserved it. For... um.... something. (Meanwhile, back in #darkdigital...) Darkmage: I am the lizard queen! Mwasson: Dark, I think you need to lay off of the punch. Darkmage: You can't speak to royalty like that! Now get me another. Mwasson: *sigh*.... alright. Darkmage: Alright what? Mwasson: Alright, sovreign lord of the Reptillian Regiment. Darkmage: Better. Booth: Hey, who's for carolling? (Nobody pays any heed.) Booth: Well, fine! I'll just carol with myself (nmiaow)! (He begins softly humming "Good King Wenceslas". The door slams open. THMILES quickly rushes in out of the freezing cold and goes to the fire, but is jostled along the way and shatters a la Terminator 2. Bongo steps in with a few people shuffling around behind him.) Bongo: Greetings! I've brought some friends to share in our holiday joy! Mwasson: Those aren't your friends. Bongo: True. But they asked to be in the Saga Reborne, so what could I do? Soulbain: Yeah. We did at that. PyroPapaya: Now where's the punch? Darkmage: The punch! Oh, the glorious punch! (He collapses in a heap at Pyro's feet.) Pyro: Whoa! Gimme a glass or two! (Mwasson hands him one, and then resigns as bartender.) Shawn: Well, we've got a great party going here, eh? BaramArrowen: That was incredibly unneccesary. Goodness: Yeah, but what are you gonna do. (Booth has wandered into the "Newbie Corner". Dive and Cheesor are huddled inside a small pen near an open window at the far end of the room from the fire.) Booth: Hey! I'll let you guys out if you'll sing carols with me! Dive: Um.... Cheesor: Well.... Dive: Actually, we'll take our chances here. Booth: Oh. Okay. (He wanders off, now humming "Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland.") Goodness: You know, we really shouldn't exclude Booth like that. Gameboy: So why not go and talk to him or something? Goodness: I don't want to. Just saying it sucks is all. Soulbain: Hey, nice island you guys have here. Too bad nobody's in it except on Saturdays. Dustmite: Yeah, but even then, Chuck starts kicking people. Chuck: Do not! Excuse me a moment. (He walks over and kicks Dive in the chin.) Dive: Ow! Chuck: Teach you to steal coals from the fire! Bongo: Hey, Chuck, you shouldn't keep kicking people off for no reason like that. Only I can do that, and even then just for comic effect. Chuck: Oh, cry me a river, liberal. Christmas sucks anyway. (Everybody gasps.) Mwasson: Hey, Chuck, lighten up. Have some punch. BaramArrowen: Yeah, Chuck. Christmas isn't so bad. Bongo: Don't you know that saying stuff like that leads to a corny "Chistmas Carol" parody? Booth: Or we could skip the parody and just sing the carol! A ha ha ha! A ha ha.... ha... (He slowly stops as he realizes everyone is staring at him in shock.) Booth: Well, it was funny in theory. Chuck: Oh, bah humbug. Pyro: Alright, that's it. Soulbain: We can't take this crud anymore. We're going back to #cesspool, where there's little to no controversy. Pyro: Anybody who wants to come with us and swap bon mots and whine about #megazeux is welcome. (They leave. Dustmite starts to follow, but thinks better of it and stops.) Shawn: Man, Chuck, you ruined our party! I only got two lines because of you! Chuck: I've had enough from you morons. I'm out of here! (He storms out, stepping on a piece of TMILES along the way. Everybody stares in shock for a moment.) Darkmage: .... I think I'm blind! (pause) No, wait, I just had my eyes closed. (Chuck storms along the street, ignoring beggars and being cruel to small animals. He finally opens the door of an old, rickety house marked "Monarch Countinghouse - JHayfield and Chuckgrx, Esq." and stomps in. He goes to sit at a table and starts counting his money. Suddenly, a ghostly wail calls out.) W[hale,ail]: Chuuuuuuuck..... chuuuuuuck.... Chuck: Who's there? (The spectral figure of JHayfield appears, dragging a chain of newbie skulls behind him.) JHayfield: It is I, Chuuuuuck.... your old partner, JHayfield. Chuck: Oh. I was expecting somebody at least somewhat scary. (He goes back to counting his money, leaving JHayfield staring at him from across the room.) JHayfield: Um... you're not going to scream, or beg for mercy or anything? Chuck: No. (He continues counting. Suddenly, a phantasmal phist bangs into the table.) JHayfield: Alright, that's it! I didn't put on my best chain for nothing! (nmiaow) Just for making fun of my ghostly presence, I'm going to have three ghosts visit you! Chuck: Oooooh. Three entirely unfrightening ghosts. JHayfield: Shut up! (He dematerializes in a huff.) Chuck: Well, that was interesting. (He puts away his money and walks upstairs to bed. Later that night...) Chuck: You know, I think that I want a glass of water. (He gets up and walks over to the sink. Taking a glass, he pulls on the faucet, and stares in horror as a spectre pours out of the sink in a scene that saps virtually the entire special effects budget.) Spectre: You need to clean your plumbing, buddy. Chuck: Hey! I remember you from the last holiday special! You're T0UCAN! Ghost of T0UCAN: Yes. I'm becoming a recurring character. Anyway, I'm now the ghost of ZZT Past, here to show you the error of your ways.... Chuck: Couldn't you show me Blazing Saddles instead? Ghost of T0UCAN: .... no. (The two vanish, and reappear on the 27th story of the AOL building, in the old, abandoned Monarch Games room. The room is filled with livelyness.) Fragmentiz: Hey! You'll never guess what I just did! You know that pathetic newbie, Bongo? Well, I just threw him out the window into the briar patch! Ha ha, it was classic! CapnKev: But what if he eventually goes on to write a spinoff of the Saga of the ZZT/MZXers and includes this little event to get back at you? Fragmentiz: Ha! What chance is there of that? (Suddenly, a large weight falls, crushing Fragmentiz. CapnKev calmly sips his tea. And then, the door bursts in.) Zed: Hey! It's us, the Zed-Omega crowd! Omega: We're here to get Chuckgrx! Where's Chuckgrx! A Younger Version of Chuck: Here! (Omega cackles. He whistles, and the rest of the Zed-Omega group runs over and begins beating Chuck with spiked bats while cackling.) Chuck: Wait a minute, T0UCAN! Shouldn't this be showing me happy events from my past? I mean, this isn't soulfully cleansing at all! If anything, I'm getting more vengeful and angry at the world! Ghost of T0UCAN: ... this vision is over! (He snaps his fingers, and suddenly Chuck is back in his bedroom. The faucet has been running the whole time, leaving Chuck sitting in a large puddle of water.) Chuck: ... that does it. No more Cheesy Poofs before bed. (He goes back to his bed and lays down. Suddenly, he realizes something is amiss. He leaps up.) Chuck: Oh no. Not another one! PCA Jon: Believe it. Chuck: But you aren't even a ZZTer! PCA Jon: Yeah, but I work for low wages. Anyway, I'm the Ghost of ZZT Present... and I'm here to give you another horrifying vision. Remember this afternoon, when you kicked Dive so cruelly? Well, let's just see what's happening over at the Dive residence.... (They vanish, and reappear in front of a fabulous mansion. The two of them crouch under a window.) Dive: Ha ha ha! Boy, is this ever sweet! When Chuck kicked me like that, I landed on a winning lotto ticket! Butler: Shall I freshen your Snapple, sir? Dive: Go right ahead. (The Butler snaps his fingers. A team of bearers comes in carrying a jug marked "World's Largest Snapple Glass". The two outside the window turn away.) Chuck: First T0UCAN shows how horrible my past was and that I have every right to be bitter, and now you show me how me being bitter actually helps out others. I certainly hope your pay isn't linked to your performance. PCA Jon: Oh, do shut up. (Chuck vanishes and reappears back in his bed.) Chuck: Okay, two down, one to go. But I'll be ready this time. (Fade out and then back in. Chuck, shivering, is sitting out on the window ledge, clutching a baseball bat.) Chuck: That's right.... just try and get me now, you bas- Grim Reaper: Boo. (Chuck screams and falls to the snowy ground below. The Grim Reaper floats down beside him.) Chuck: Oh, so you're the Ghost of ZZT Future? Well, considering the job your compatriots did, I don't think that anything you can do will sway me any, so you might as well just.... (The Grim Reaper cuts him off. He holds up a laptop, running a morphing program.) Grim Reaper: This is you.... (A picture of Chuck's face appears.) Reaper: And this is you in about a year, if you continue kicking people more or less at random... (The picture of Chuck's face gradually reshapes itself. Chuck stares in shock.) Chuck: Aiiiiieeee! majiCk! (He faints. Suddenly, he sits bolt upright, back in his bed. Sunlight streams through the window.) Chuck: I'm... I'm back! (He walks over to the window and looks out.) Chuck: You! Boy! What day is it? Boy: Today, sir? Why, 'tis Christmas Day! Chuck: Christmas! (He spins around just in time to miss a truck running over the boy, who was standing in the street.) It's Christmas! Hooray! (Scene: #darkdigital. The ZZT/MZXers are moping around. Various parts of THMILES have been hung as ornaments.) Dustmite: Where's Dive? Mwasson: Oh, he's off yachting with Bill Gates or something. BaramArrowen: The rich bastard. Darkmage: Ohhhh.... my head.... I swear I am going to die. (The door opens. Chuck jumps in. Everyone cowers.) Chuck: Everyone! Listen to me! I've just had the most wonderful thing happen! I was asleep when JHayfield appeared, and then T0UCAN and PCA Jon and the Grim Reaper... and they showed me the error of my ways! I'm so happy now! Merry Christmas to all! (Everyone stops cowering.) Gameboy: So... you're not going to kick us anymore? Chuck: I said they showed me the error of my ways! I never said that seeing the error of my ways changed me in any sort of way! (To demonstrate the point, he drop-kicks Booth out of the room.) Booth: Aiiiieeeeee! Shawn: So.... you really haven't learned anything, have you? Chuck: Ha ha, nope! Bongo: Okay, let's just suspend him upside down over the toilet until he learns! (They all rush Chuck, and a huge, holiday-spirited fight ensues. Chronos enters, liberally covered in a night's worth of snow and ice.) Chronos: Hey, everyone! I just finished Chrono Wars 10! Check it out! (pause) Oh, you're busy now. Well, I'll talk to you later. (He leaves. Suddenly, Goodness leaps up, holding the head of Cheesor.) Goodness: Cheesor is DEAD! (He shakes the head. Blood splatters the front of the screen, stating "Merry Christmas". Horrifying music plays as the camera view fades out.)