This is the Story (Boring)
Posted: Thu Dec 16, 2004 3:08 am
This just happened to me. I was sitting at my computer, reading a book while waiting for something to load over my slow internet connection, when some sudden bowel movements occurred. I got up, walked to the bathroom, <i>etc...</i> Nothing unusual so far.
After finishing my business, I got up and happened to notice that there was a small smear on the edge of the toilet bowl. I thought it was odd, but I didn't give it much thought and wiped it up. I wandered over to the sink and happened to glance down at the ground. There were several brown spots all over the floor. I checked my feet, beginning to realize what happened. I think we both know.
I leaned against the wall and lifted my left foot. Both my sock and the edge of the pant leg were soiled; removing the sock first would allow my ankle to get dirty, while removing the pants first would smear the inside. While I was figuring out that puzzle, a hair found its way into my mouth. I hadn't washed my hands yet, and I didn't want to put anything unclean in my mouth, even if it <i>did</i> originally come from inside me. Trying to remove the hair by licking my shirt, I happened to look out the window. The window isn't made of that uneven glass that blurs anything behind it, but it's relatively small, and the bathroom's on the second floor, so you can't usually see much through it either way. However, for one reason or another, the neighbor was at the top of a ladder leaning against the side of the house. I could see him, and I assume that if he turned around, he could see me.
What a predicament!
To keep from making a larger mess, I took off the sock first. After getting out of sight and removing the jeans, I discovered that the back of the pants was also soiled. I rifled through the dirty clothes bin and found another pair of jeans and an extra sock. They both matched what I was wearing earlier. Perfect! Nobody will suspect a thing; all I have to do is clean up.
Unfortunately, the mess spanned about 1/3 of the bathroom. I looked around for any cleaning supplies: hydrogen peroxide, rubbing alcohol, just disinfectants, not really meant for cleaning... Aha! A spray bottle of "the works" and a can of Scrubbing Bubbles! Of course, the majority of the mess was on these carpeted mats, not the tile floor, which would have been easy to spray and wipe clean. These cleaning chemicals were meant for hard, relatively smooth surfaces, not carpet. Oh well, you've gotta make do with what you've got.
I started with Scrubbing Bubbles. It worked fairly well, and it said it disinfected. However, there was still a bit of a stain left, and cute anthropomorphic bubbles didn't jump out of the can and do all the work for me. I didn't have any paper towels, so I used toilet paper. Unfortunately, as soon as it got wet, it started to tear into thousands of little pieces which are probably all still in the carpet.
I left the first stain to dry. Onto the next! I shook the can, pressed the button, but the Scrubbing Bubbles failed to bubble. It had essentially been reduced to a can of compressed air. Okay, what next? I picked up the bottle of "the works" and sprayed it on with some difficulty. 10 seconds later, I noticed the following message:
<i>READ ENTIRE LABEL BEFORE USING</i>
Luckily, nothing bad happened, although it did smell funky. I opened a window, just in case. It actually did a pretty good job of removing the stain.
Inevitably, my hand slipped, hit a stained area, and became even more unclean. Disgusted, I went over to the sink to wash off. Now, the bathroom is almost the farthest room from the water heater, and I usually don't wait for the water to heat up. Thanks both due to that and the outside temperature, I enjoyed the privilege of washing my hands with ice-cold water. What hand-numbing fun!
Back to work... I was using more of "the works," when I suddenly got the brilliant idea, "Hey! If the can of Scrubbing Bubbles now only sprays pressurized air/gaseous propellant/whatever, I can use it to blow the other cleaning chemical around until it's evenly distributed!" I pressed the nozzle and unintentionally blanketed the area with foam. That's just fine, you might think, but the bottle of "the works" says that it should not be mixed with other cleaning chemicals. Oopsie. What's more, the Scrubbing Bubbles can says that any use of the product inconsistent with its labeling is a violation of Federal Law. If I ever have to go to prison, I want to be able to say something tough, such as, "I'm doing time because I used a single corkscrew to murder a group of former friends who betrayed me and don't any of you dare homorape me because I have no qualms about shedding more blood." I don't want to say, "I'm here because I used the wrong combination of cleaning chemicals."
Anyway, I cleaned up the rest, recleaned everything just to make sure there were no stains left, and threw the last wad of toilet paper into the toilet. The toilet was now completely clogged with a very thick soup of human waste, paper, highly toxic chemicals, and a dead fly I threw in there earlier. It's usually like that, so I hope nobody will notice. I washed my hands again, took off my dirty socks, and left. Total time: 1 hour, 40 minutes.
The next post will consist of "tl;<i></i>dr."
After finishing my business, I got up and happened to notice that there was a small smear on the edge of the toilet bowl. I thought it was odd, but I didn't give it much thought and wiped it up. I wandered over to the sink and happened to glance down at the ground. There were several brown spots all over the floor. I checked my feet, beginning to realize what happened. I think we both know.
I leaned against the wall and lifted my left foot. Both my sock and the edge of the pant leg were soiled; removing the sock first would allow my ankle to get dirty, while removing the pants first would smear the inside. While I was figuring out that puzzle, a hair found its way into my mouth. I hadn't washed my hands yet, and I didn't want to put anything unclean in my mouth, even if it <i>did</i> originally come from inside me. Trying to remove the hair by licking my shirt, I happened to look out the window. The window isn't made of that uneven glass that blurs anything behind it, but it's relatively small, and the bathroom's on the second floor, so you can't usually see much through it either way. However, for one reason or another, the neighbor was at the top of a ladder leaning against the side of the house. I could see him, and I assume that if he turned around, he could see me.
What a predicament!
To keep from making a larger mess, I took off the sock first. After getting out of sight and removing the jeans, I discovered that the back of the pants was also soiled. I rifled through the dirty clothes bin and found another pair of jeans and an extra sock. They both matched what I was wearing earlier. Perfect! Nobody will suspect a thing; all I have to do is clean up.
Unfortunately, the mess spanned about 1/3 of the bathroom. I looked around for any cleaning supplies: hydrogen peroxide, rubbing alcohol, just disinfectants, not really meant for cleaning... Aha! A spray bottle of "the works" and a can of Scrubbing Bubbles! Of course, the majority of the mess was on these carpeted mats, not the tile floor, which would have been easy to spray and wipe clean. These cleaning chemicals were meant for hard, relatively smooth surfaces, not carpet. Oh well, you've gotta make do with what you've got.
I started with Scrubbing Bubbles. It worked fairly well, and it said it disinfected. However, there was still a bit of a stain left, and cute anthropomorphic bubbles didn't jump out of the can and do all the work for me. I didn't have any paper towels, so I used toilet paper. Unfortunately, as soon as it got wet, it started to tear into thousands of little pieces which are probably all still in the carpet.
I left the first stain to dry. Onto the next! I shook the can, pressed the button, but the Scrubbing Bubbles failed to bubble. It had essentially been reduced to a can of compressed air. Okay, what next? I picked up the bottle of "the works" and sprayed it on with some difficulty. 10 seconds later, I noticed the following message:
<i>READ ENTIRE LABEL BEFORE USING</i>
Luckily, nothing bad happened, although it did smell funky. I opened a window, just in case. It actually did a pretty good job of removing the stain.
Inevitably, my hand slipped, hit a stained area, and became even more unclean. Disgusted, I went over to the sink to wash off. Now, the bathroom is almost the farthest room from the water heater, and I usually don't wait for the water to heat up. Thanks both due to that and the outside temperature, I enjoyed the privilege of washing my hands with ice-cold water. What hand-numbing fun!
Back to work... I was using more of "the works," when I suddenly got the brilliant idea, "Hey! If the can of Scrubbing Bubbles now only sprays pressurized air/gaseous propellant/whatever, I can use it to blow the other cleaning chemical around until it's evenly distributed!" I pressed the nozzle and unintentionally blanketed the area with foam. That's just fine, you might think, but the bottle of "the works" says that it should not be mixed with other cleaning chemicals. Oopsie. What's more, the Scrubbing Bubbles can says that any use of the product inconsistent with its labeling is a violation of Federal Law. If I ever have to go to prison, I want to be able to say something tough, such as, "I'm doing time because I used a single corkscrew to murder a group of former friends who betrayed me and don't any of you dare homorape me because I have no qualms about shedding more blood." I don't want to say, "I'm here because I used the wrong combination of cleaning chemicals."
Anyway, I cleaned up the rest, recleaned everything just to make sure there were no stains left, and threw the last wad of toilet paper into the toilet. The toilet was now completely clogged with a very thick soup of human waste, paper, highly toxic chemicals, and a dead fly I threw in there earlier. It's usually like that, so I hope nobody will notice. I washed my hands again, took off my dirty socks, and left. Total time: 1 hour, 40 minutes.
The next post will consist of "tl;<i></i>dr."
