z2

No longer am I the man with a woman's hands...

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Woolworth UK tries to sell "Lolita Bedroom Sets"

God is Real, unless declared Integer.

<RaphX> there was an article in the Express today that you'd have like, paul
<Greebo> oh?
<RaphX> about a guy painting white lines along the road
<RaphX> but it was dark, so he didn't spot a dead rabbit there
<RaphX> so it got painted over
<RaphX> looked like he could've done with a new coat anyway
<Greebo> har - a brush with death!
<RaphX> there's a fine line with what you mean there
<RaphX> I just hope the guy that did it felt alwhite afterwards
<Greebo> maybe the company gave him lines for being stupid
<RaphX> what if they stripe him of his duties?
<RaphX> it would be the end of the road for him
<Greebo> Nah, cos he's got a contract - he signed on the dotted line
<RaphX> yeah, that would be concrete evidence
<Greebo> all there in black and white
<RaphX> no they wouldn't have decent grounds for dismissal
<Greebo> if he took legal action it'd be a long hard road
<RaphX> the money he'd get would be right up his street
<Greebo> would be like the streets were paved with gold
<RaphX> I'd laugh - it would be very bunny
<Greebo> shusht, or I'll give you a thumpering
<RaphX> you could op yourself and kickbambi me
<Greebo> it'd be a hop in the right direction
<RaphX> I'd rather stay right hare
<Greebo> hitting a bunny is a hare-raising experience
<RaphX> it'd get a bunt up the arse

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.

That sounds familiar...
Is that from Dave Barry or someone?

Only who can prevent forest fires?

You pressed you, referring to me. That is incorrect. The correct answer is you.

I have a recurring dream about dying in a plane crash. In fact, I had one last night. It's happened so much I feel that I'm as much an expert in dying in plane crashes as any living being can be. I'm not superstitious. I'm not afraid to fly. But on the off-hand chance this dream turns prophetic, I feel qualified enough to make a request for anyone unfortunate enough to be on that plane with me...

I don't mind the idea of dying in a plane crash. In my dreams, I've done it a thousand times under a thousand different conditions. In most instances, death is instantaneous and painless. The thing that does bother me is what happens during that final plummet. Yes it's terrifying. But please, for the love of God, what's with the screaming? I understand you're frightened. I understand you don't want to die. I'm coming to terms with that myself as is every other passenger on that plane. But while I'm facing my imminent demise looking out the window in absolute silence and stunned horror, you're ruining the last few moments of everyone else's existence with your incessant shrill chimpanzee-like shrieking.

You're going to die. Of what possible use is a last-minute vocal exercise going to serve other than to completely annoy everyone around you and make a terrible situation even more unbearable? We are all in shock. Our sense of time slows and our senses become sharper. Now is not the time to be yelling. I'm not a religious man; but I don't mind if you pray. I might even hold your hand. But please keep it within an acceptable decibel level. If your God is real, he isn't hard of hearing, and he's most certainly aware that the plane is going down. He apparently has a plan, and he's not going to change his mind on the basis of how loud you beg him to alter it. Besides, you have an eternal life to look forward to. Look at me... I'm an atheist, and I'm keeping my mouth shut. Superman doesn't exist, so I'm hoping you're not calling for him. Anyone who can help you is already busy trying.

All I'm asking for a bit of reverence so we may die in dignity. If you treat it like a fucking roller coaster, I swear I'm going to punch you square in the kisser for depriving me of this... and I'm pretty sure I'll get away with it.

101-Infected_Mushroom_Presents_-_Riders_on_the_Storm_(Infected_Mushroom_Rmx)-ai

Wow. I just thought of Zaphod just now. Maybe I should post this (as my first message) on DMZX?

Why do programmers confuse Christmas with Halloween?
Because DEC 25 = OCT 31.

Hunter Weapons
Log 10.222.8
Science Team is attempting to reverse-engineer Samus Aran's arsenal, based off of data acquired from her assaults on our forces. Progress is slow, but steady. Command would dearly enjoy turning Aran's weapons against her. We believe we can implement Beam weapon prototypes in three cycles. Aran's Power Suit technology remains a mystery, especially the curious Morph Ball function. All attempts at duplicating it have ended in disaster: four test subjects were horribly broken and twisted when they engaged our Morph Ball prototypes. Science Team wisely decided to move on afterward.

I'M NADIR